My soul is tired

I found a meme on Facebook that had read “ no matter how much you sleep you will always feel tired if your soul is what’s tired “. That hit a nerve with me; my soul is extremely tired. 

About 8 months ago my spirit and heart was broken and hasn’t fully been repaired. That damaged my soul as well. I have not been myself completely since. I am constantly tired, I don’t “ feel “ my smile, There is still a small ache in my heart daily. 

It’s time to repair my soul. I need to sit back and reflect the good there is in my life, smudge out the negative, do for myself. I honestly cannot keep going on with a tired soul. 

Part of my problem is I feel too much, if you are hurting well I hurt too. If you cry, I cry. I take in too many feelings. I have to learn to control that part of me and not let it overwhelm me. I love too hard, I need to control that as well. I fall too fast, that shit needs to be contained ! 

I have to stop giving so much of myself to people who take me for granted. I spread myself thin as it is with my kids. Life goes by quickly and one never knows when it’s our last day here so it needs to be enjoyed not miserable and so ....tired.

An Open Letter

I have decided that this will be a two part series that way I don’t ramble on about one subject and it stumbles into the next then back to the other.

This particular one is an open letter to my Ex-Husband:

Dear Ex,

You suck at being a father, I am trying way too hard for you to be present in your kids’ life and I am done. You signed over your rights because you did not want an investigation done and I signed along with it even though it was another “ fuck you” to me and my girls. But at least I knew at the end of the day my girls would be safe. 

You pay below state guidelines for child support because you lied about your income. You chose to take on children that are not yours to support and that is just crap. One day actually no, that day has come already; my 6 year old questions why you were there to celebrate those other kids birthdays and not hers. She is not stupid. She already knows and sees that I am their mother and father. 

You expect me still to do as you say and get pissy when I do not. I have been more than compliant and way too nice when it came to our divorce. And in hindsight I should have went for the jugular.

Just know I am done trying so damn hard for you to be my Children’s lives. And when you do show up you bring your baby. That hurt my 6 year old, she didn’t show it with you but when she came she asked me to email you and let you know that you “screwed up “. I am done protecting you. 

Sincerely your ex-wife.....

New School Year

The school year is just starting up in this neck of the words and I must say I am not getting a fantastic first impression with my daughter's kindergarten.

 I should have an open mind; but I had to fight a bit for her IEP before school even began. My 6 yr old had been diagnosed with Autism, separation anxiety as well as ADHD during pre-school. I was a little surprised with the ASD but in the end it all made sense. These are all new waters for me and at times I feel like I am barely treading. I am learning that schools, administrations, etc will fight the parent tooth and nail on a child's IEP needs...it is insane ! I am getting off track here ( big surprise, lol ) ! 

Anyway, school starts, Thursday and I had not heard a peep from my daughter's school...is she morning session or afternoon ? I tried calling but guess what, they are getting a new phone system installed so you cannot get a person on the line. I tried going online to see if I can get that info online, nope nada. I finally went into the school today to ask.

 I personally feel like I should not have to do that. A letter should have been sent out. I am part of a Facebook group that another parent had put together to get info on school, groups, and all that jazz in my area. Thank goodness for that group otherwise I wouldn't have known have orientation day, new drop off and pick ups. Some parents are getting emails while others ( such as myself ) are not. This is why letters need to go out. Maybe I am turning into a grumpy old lady. Or maybe I am just getting nervous for my babies to be starting school and this is my way of getting it out.

Either way I hope the school year goes smoothly and the kinks get worked out. Communication is always key in life !!

Mercury in Retrograde dreams ...

I have been having some crazy dreams recently, I know last night’s has to do with Mercury being in Retrograde once again. It really stuck with me and I wanted to share it and see what you guys thought of it. I know going forward I will be keeping a notebook by my bed to write down my dreams and I would like to get a Dream deciphering book.

Last night’s dream consists of two houses, one had a raging hurricane going on and I needed to save animals from it; including fish that were in an overflowing tank, a cat in a locked room and a dog. I got them except a few fish which were already dead. I got them across the street to the safe house where there was absolutely no storm at all.

After that I left the safe house and headed towards the ocean and I was on the phone with Gino ( a good friend of mine ) I was crying and just saying “ what is going on “ over and over. The waves were crashing around me but I was not getting wet, people were running away but I was standing there watching the waves, crying on the phone. The last thing I remember was hearing him say was “ I will call you when I get back from Connecticut with my wife “.

That is all I remember. What really stands out to me is the ocean waves and saving the fish from the overflowing tank. Anyone have any clues as to what this means ? 

I am no longer angry

I can finally say I have let go of the hate and bitterness in my heart for my ex-husband. Up until recently I honestly was still so bitter, I was angry that he moved on, angry that he was having a baby so soon. I mean we just went to court for our divorce on July 12th. I was pissed that they bought a house and he drives a nice car. Angry that he was dishonest in court about how much money he brought home from his job as I struggle each month.

I let all that go, why be so angry ? It's not healthy. Yes he bought a house but I love my little town and my girls and I are safe where we are. Do I love the building itself, no but I make the best of it. I may not love the people above me but they go away on the weekends and that's a nice break. The other neighbors make up for them too 😊 after all I heard a knock on my door the other night and it was my neighbor from two doors down with cupcakes !

Yes he drives a great car, however he has a car payment. I do not...we all know I couldn't afford it anyway lol. My little car is fantastic on gas and gets me from point A to point B. I no longer rely on anyone to take me places which is another added bonus as well. She ( the car ) maybe old but has always been in the family; my grandmother bought her, got passed onto my mom and now myself.

The baby thing was a tough one to swallow. Am I going to embrace this with arms wide open ? Hell no !! But I am not angry anymore. I am not going to say things happen they obviously were not careful regardless of me warning him because I knew he already had two kids. It also got me in the gut because I felt robbed, I can no longer have children; I had my tubes removed and had an ablation. I no longer have a chance have knowing what it's like having a loving supportive husband during a pregnancy. I never got that. I will never know the feeling of raising a child with my partner in our home with the white picket fence. I do however have my girls whom I love with all my being. I do everything for them and they know it, they feel it, see it it. I have been therr for them since day one. And they love me right back.

One area where I had trouble letting go of the anger was the lying in court; only because I struggle each and every month. I do not get welfare nor do I feel the need to apply for it. I am at a time in my life where it's tough for me to work outside the home since my oldest only goes to school for 2.5 hours a day for four days a week while my youngest has early intervention group twice a week for 1.5 hours, occupational therapy, and speech therapy. Not to mention the specialist appts that occur at Children's Hospital and Umass in addition to regular doctor appointments ! Our schedule is busy. As you can see there honestly isn't time for me to work outside the home. I do try to make some money by selling items I no longer use on auction sites, as well as take surveys online, I use Ibotta... it's not much but for me every penny counts. Speaking of pennies, my ex nickel and dimes me right now when he had promised me that he would always help me out when he told me about the pregnancy. But that's not the case, so yes I was angry. I don't have it in me anymore. I feel badly that he went back on his word but I am thankful that I have family that will let me borrow money when I need gas or diapers. I am grateful that my mom bought school clothes and shoes for my oldest when she started school ( she did that for both her grandkids, she likes spoiling them ! ) Do I wish I had money saved ? Of course and I will get there someday just not today. Today I let go of the anger.

Do I think my ex ever loved me ? Honestly, no. You just don't treat someone you love the way he did me however he was young. I honestly thought he did love me but in hindsight I see now he didn't. I did love him and  a small piece always will. I am glad he grew up, met a nice woman who is great to my girls. And now I can honestly say I am no longer angry 💜

Letting it all out

There is a full moon coming tomorrow and I wanted to get out all my frustrations tonight before it happens and start fresh. I started a new chapter in my life last month but the book is not closed due to the children.

I am not going to bash my Ex as much as I would love too only because I am upset at the moment. But I am going to say that it drives in insane when he cannot make it the ONE day a week to see his kids. I wonder what will happen when his new kid comes along, will my kids get the boot ? This is the guy who fought me for more time with them, this is why it drives me bat shit crazy when he does not show up. I have learned to not tell my children when he is coming because he sadly has a bad track record. 

I am tired of being angry and bitter. I had decided a few weeks ago that I will be looking at the positive in things and not be so negative. Today I had a hard time with that at first; I had planned on going grocery shopping alone but you know what I let my 5 year old bring her own shopping cart and she was very well behaved in the store. That in itself was a very positive thing normally she has a ton of meltdowns and I get "the look " from judgy people in every other aisle since they have no idea what is going on in her little mind, they just see what they want. 

I was going to voice my frustrations to my ex however my words would just roll off his back. This is me getting my frustrations out and letting it go. I will not let it bother me anymore going forward, I know I cannot count on him to be there when he is supposed to be there and I know I cannot tell my kids in advance about things he is supposed to do with them or that he is coming until he is at the door. I know better. My girls are smart and will know that I was always there for them all the time every single day for the rest of their life. 

I feel better now that I have gotten this off of my chest. Let's see what next weekend brings. Enjoy the full moon everyone and try to be positive :-)

Birthdays

I am a little late with this, however it is better late then never. My youngest had a birthday in April and my middle child at the beginning of the month. For the youngest I did not do much since she is still young, just a small cake with her sisters, grandmother, aunt and great grandmother. That is it, nothing fancy or elaborate. 

For my middle child I was going to have a party like I usually do but I sat down and thought about it; it would bring out the worst in her and she would have a terrible time on her day of celebration. She would be around people who are not normally around her and are not used to her every day meltdowns which would be even worse, she would be stressed and would most likely get into trouble. So I asked her if she wanted to go someplace special instead of a party.We chose to go to a place called Kimballs which has arcade games, pony rides, ice cream, and yummy food. She had a blast ! No melt downs, no crying and it cost me less than it would have to throw a party. 

I think going forward I am going to continue to do this with the girls, let them choose a special place and call it a day. No more parties for us,it is less hassle. No more invitations, messes,or prep and they get to feel like they had some control over the day. I call it a win in my book !