An Open Letter

I have decided that this will be a two part series that way I don’t ramble on about one subject and it stumbles into the next then back to the other.

This particular one is an open letter to my Ex-Husband:

Dear Ex,

You suck at being a father, I am trying way too hard for you to be present in your kids’ life and I am done. You signed over your rights because you did not want an investigation done and I signed along with it even though it was another “ fuck you” to me and my girls. But at least I knew at the end of the day my girls would be safe. 

You pay below state guidelines for child support because you lied about your income. You chose to take on children that are not yours to support and that is just crap. One day actually no, that day has come already; my 6 year old questions why you were there to celebrate those other kids birthdays and not hers. She is not stupid. She already knows and sees that I am their mother and father. 

You expect me still to do as you say and get pissy when I do not. I have been more than compliant and way too nice when it came to our divorce. And in hindsight I should have went for the jugular.

Just know I am done trying so damn hard for you to be my Children’s lives. And when you do show up you bring your baby. That hurt my 6 year old, she didn’t show it with you but when she came she asked me to email you and let you know that you “screwed up “. I am done protecting you. 

Sincerely your ex-wife.....

Raw Feelings

I have been writing this post for awhile in my head but something stopped me; was it the criticism I would receive from people, the pitiful looks or eye rolls?  Was it me being scared to share my feelings and saying them out loud or perhaps the back lash of just one person who it's about seeing it ? I don't know which reason it was but it's time for this to be written and shared. 

You see I have a really hard time expressing my feelings. If speaking I get chocked up and cry even if I am angry. I am also good at covering up my true feelings with jokes and sarcasm.

With all this being said I must say I am having a really hard time coming to terms that I am getting divorced. When I got married I assumed it would be till death do us part, neither one of us is dead ! We have gone through so much in our 8 years together, 7 in which we had been married. I have stuck by him when he quit drinking, by his side several times at the hospital. I tried and I tried hard. 

I would like to think I was a good wife. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry and worked. There were times I even I would go into work with him to help cover a shift or just help at that second job because I knew the first job was physical and tiring labor. 

I put up with a lot as well during those years. Emails and texts to other women. Lying and cheating even while I was pregnant but yet I forgave him time and time again. Yes I know I am a fool and he took advantage but I am not looking to be judged right now. He moved out a few times on me leaving me to cover the rent and bills alone, I did it and I allowed him back. I forgave him. He was my husband and I loved him.

Now here we are with a court date in a few months and I am just torn up. I never in a million years thought we would really get divorced, I always thought he would come back. He would grow up and be the family man he claims to others that he is or wants. 

Part of me still does love him, again I am not looking for judgement. He is not a bad guy, he just didn't know how to be a good husband. So where do I go from here ? How do I move on past the pain and hurt ? When I say I hurt it's literally phyisical; it feels like there is a weight on my chest at times, it's hard to breath, my stomach hurts, I want to sleep all the time but my mind doesn't stop and allow me to actually rest. I don't want to just focus on all the bad things because then I will become resentful and I don't want to be that scorned woman. 

Guess I will take it one day at a time, one minute at a time, one breath at a time.