Raw Feelings

I have been writing this post for awhile in my head but something stopped me; was it the criticism I would receive from people, the pitiful looks or eye rolls?  Was it me being scared to share my feelings and saying them out loud or perhaps the back lash of just one person who it's about seeing it ? I don't know which reason it was but it's time for this to be written and shared. 

You see I have a really hard time expressing my feelings. If speaking I get chocked up and cry even if I am angry. I am also good at covering up my true feelings with jokes and sarcasm.

With all this being said I must say I am having a really hard time coming to terms that I am getting divorced. When I got married I assumed it would be till death do us part, neither one of us is dead ! We have gone through so much in our 8 years together, 7 in which we had been married. I have stuck by him when he quit drinking, by his side several times at the hospital. I tried and I tried hard. 

I would like to think I was a good wife. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry and worked. There were times I even I would go into work with him to help cover a shift or just help at that second job because I knew the first job was physical and tiring labor. 

I put up with a lot as well during those years. Emails and texts to other women. Lying and cheating even while I was pregnant but yet I forgave him time and time again. Yes I know I am a fool and he took advantage but I am not looking to be judged right now. He moved out a few times on me leaving me to cover the rent and bills alone, I did it and I allowed him back. I forgave him. He was my husband and I loved him.

Now here we are with a court date in a few months and I am just torn up. I never in a million years thought we would really get divorced, I always thought he would come back. He would grow up and be the family man he claims to others that he is or wants. 

Part of me still does love him, again I am not looking for judgement. He is not a bad guy, he just didn't know how to be a good husband. So where do I go from here ? How do I move on past the pain and hurt ? When I say I hurt it's literally phyisical; it feels like there is a weight on my chest at times, it's hard to breath, my stomach hurts, I want to sleep all the time but my mind doesn't stop and allow me to actually rest. I don't want to just focus on all the bad things because then I will become resentful and I don't want to be that scorned woman. 

Guess I will take it one day at a time, one minute at a time, one breath at a time. 

365 days...

365 sounds like a lot doesn't it ? That's how many days in a year obviously unless it was a leap year. But it goes by so quickly and changes even faster.

It's the second day into the new year and I was reflecting back on 2013, I was blown away on all the changes; last year at this time I thought my marriage was going to work out. I know now that it is not and I am finally okay with that and it's the first time I have actually said it " out loud ". It is over, we are two very different people now and that is alright, people change.  Over the course of the year I have gotten a job, it's not my dream job that is for sure but I am making my own money. Meeting new people and helping myself get my confidence back. 

2013 was a very hard year for me physically as well as mentally. I gained a lot of weight because I was sad which made my blood pressure go up and up and up, on top of that I was under a ton of stress and ended up having a mini stroke. That was a wake up call. Thankfully I am alright, no brain damage or anything like that, some vision damage but it's manageable ( least to me it is ) I have since lost some weight, cut out soda completely and I look at food differently. I admit I do slip up here and there but for the most part I view food differently. I want to feel good about myself as well as look good. 

Also last year at this time I never thought my apartment would open up and finally...finally it is happening !! I am getting super excited. My own space. This will be a huge adjustment for Monkey Girl and I but we will be just fine. 

Through the year we have had the support of our family and good friends and going forward I KNOW they will be there. With that being said, here is to 2014 :-)