I am no longer angry

I can finally say I have let go of the hate and bitterness in my heart for my ex-husband. Up until recently I honestly was still so bitter, I was angry that he moved on, angry that he was having a baby so soon. I mean we just went to court for our divorce on July 12th. I was pissed that they bought a house and he drives a nice car. Angry that he was dishonest in court about how much money he brought home from his job as I struggle each month.

I let all that go, why be so angry ? It's not healthy. Yes he bought a house but I love my little town and my girls and I are safe where we are. Do I love the building itself, no but I make the best of it. I may not love the people above me but they go away on the weekends and that's a nice break. The other neighbors make up for them too 😊 after all I heard a knock on my door the other night and it was my neighbor from two doors down with cupcakes !

Yes he drives a great car, however he has a car payment. I do not...we all know I couldn't afford it anyway lol. My little car is fantastic on gas and gets me from point A to point B. I no longer rely on anyone to take me places which is another added bonus as well. She ( the car ) maybe old but has always been in the family; my grandmother bought her, got passed onto my mom and now myself.

The baby thing was a tough one to swallow. Am I going to embrace this with arms wide open ? Hell no !! But I am not angry anymore. I am not going to say things happen they obviously were not careful regardless of me warning him because I knew he already had two kids. It also got me in the gut because I felt robbed, I can no longer have children; I had my tubes removed and had an ablation. I no longer have a chance have knowing what it's like having a loving supportive husband during a pregnancy. I never got that. I will never know the feeling of raising a child with my partner in our home with the white picket fence. I do however have my girls whom I love with all my being. I do everything for them and they know it, they feel it, see it it. I have been therr for them since day one. And they love me right back.

One area where I had trouble letting go of the anger was the lying in court; only because I struggle each and every month. I do not get welfare nor do I feel the need to apply for it. I am at a time in my life where it's tough for me to work outside the home since my oldest only goes to school for 2.5 hours a day for four days a week while my youngest has early intervention group twice a week for 1.5 hours, occupational therapy, and speech therapy. Not to mention the specialist appts that occur at Children's Hospital and Umass in addition to regular doctor appointments ! Our schedule is busy. As you can see there honestly isn't time for me to work outside the home. I do try to make some money by selling items I no longer use on auction sites, as well as take surveys online, I use Ibotta... it's not much but for me every penny counts. Speaking of pennies, my ex nickel and dimes me right now when he had promised me that he would always help me out when he told me about the pregnancy. But that's not the case, so yes I was angry. I don't have it in me anymore. I feel badly that he went back on his word but I am thankful that I have family that will let me borrow money when I need gas or diapers. I am grateful that my mom bought school clothes and shoes for my oldest when she started school ( she did that for both her grandkids, she likes spoiling them ! ) Do I wish I had money saved ? Of course and I will get there someday just not today. Today I let go of the anger.

Do I think my ex ever loved me ? Honestly, no. You just don't treat someone you love the way he did me however he was young. I honestly thought he did love me but in hindsight I see now he didn't. I did love him and  a small piece always will. I am glad he grew up, met a nice woman who is great to my girls. And now I can honestly say I am no longer angry 💜

Letting it all out

There is a full moon coming tomorrow and I wanted to get out all my frustrations tonight before it happens and start fresh. I started a new chapter in my life last month but the book is not closed due to the children.

I am not going to bash my Ex as much as I would love too only because I am upset at the moment. But I am going to say that it drives in insane when he cannot make it the ONE day a week to see his kids. I wonder what will happen when his new kid comes along, will my kids get the boot ? This is the guy who fought me for more time with them, this is why it drives me bat shit crazy when he does not show up. I have learned to not tell my children when he is coming because he sadly has a bad track record. 

I am tired of being angry and bitter. I had decided a few weeks ago that I will be looking at the positive in things and not be so negative. Today I had a hard time with that at first; I had planned on going grocery shopping alone but you know what I let my 5 year old bring her own shopping cart and she was very well behaved in the store. That in itself was a very positive thing normally she has a ton of meltdowns and I get "the look " from judgy people in every other aisle since they have no idea what is going on in her little mind, they just see what they want. 

I was going to voice my frustrations to my ex however my words would just roll off his back. This is me getting my frustrations out and letting it go. I will not let it bother me anymore going forward, I know I cannot count on him to be there when he is supposed to be there and I know I cannot tell my kids in advance about things he is supposed to do with them or that he is coming until he is at the door. I know better. My girls are smart and will know that I was always there for them all the time every single day for the rest of their life. 

I feel better now that I have gotten this off of my chest. Let's see what next weekend brings. Enjoy the full moon everyone and try to be positive :-)

Birthdays

I am a little late with this, however it is better late then never. My youngest had a birthday in April and my middle child at the beginning of the month. For the youngest I did not do much since she is still young, just a small cake with her sisters, grandmother, aunt and great grandmother. That is it, nothing fancy or elaborate. 

For my middle child I was going to have a party like I usually do but I sat down and thought about it; it would bring out the worst in her and she would have a terrible time on her day of celebration. She would be around people who are not normally around her and are not used to her every day meltdowns which would be even worse, she would be stressed and would most likely get into trouble. So I asked her if she wanted to go someplace special instead of a party.We chose to go to a place called Kimballs which has arcade games, pony rides, ice cream, and yummy food. She had a blast ! No melt downs, no crying and it cost me less than it would have to throw a party. 

I think going forward I am going to continue to do this with the girls, let them choose a special place and call it a day. No more parties for us,it is less hassle. No more invitations, messes,or prep and they get to feel like they had some control over the day. I call it a win in my book ! 

Darling Vox Box

Ah yes, Influenster included me in their Darling Vox Box and I am so happy they did ! This box was truly fantastic, one of my favorites really. Ready to read about the products ?!

First I will start with the Eva NYC Therapy Session Hair Mask
It retails for $14.99 at CVS or Ulta. It can be used as a deep conditioning mask,you would leave it in your hair for 20 minutes if you were going to use it this way OR you can use it as everyday conditioner. I chose to use it as every day conditioner. This stuff made my hair incredibly soft, easy to comb even when there are lots of knots from when I let the kids play with my hair. a little bit goes a long way even in with my thick hair. The only thing I do not like is the scent, it's not a big deal since it does not linger. 

Next up was a chocolate treat for me. It was the Duncan Hines Perfect for 1- Chocolate Lovers Cake.This retails for $2.50 for a box of two cakes. The cake was so easy to prepare, you could choose your liquid, I opted for milk and you just mix it with the already packaged dry ingredients. Be sure to mix in the mug you plan on using so there is less mess and dishes. Oh and let's be safe and use a microwave safe mug !! A minute later you have a warm cake. You can then top it with whatever your cake loving heart desires.

The next items were for my girls; We got Baby Gentle Moisture Tearless shampoo and wash - retails for $5.99 along with the Baby Gentle Moisture Baby Lotion which also retails for $5.99 from Live Clean. What I love about these two products here are the amazing ingredients which include certified organic botanicals of chamomile, lavender and aloe. It was nice and gentle on their skin which is quite sensitive especially Gina's. And it smells so good and it is soothing. The lotion was not greasy at all and sunk right into the skin. I used both the shampoo and lotion on myself I was pleased with how soft my hair was, it felt like I never ever used product in it.


I also received a coupon for a free 15oz Country Crock Buttery Spread. Retail value is $1.81-2.99. Now I used to buy Country Crock all the time and use it in everything. Then I learned about a terrible ingredient called palm oil, which is used in this spread. It is not gross or a chemical but it puts Gorillas at risk of becoming endangered, by harvesting palm oil it destroys their habitat and they are just left to die. I cannot buy a product not just this one but any product knowing it has palm oil in it. I did use my coupon so I could complete my tasks for the vox box though. I have always bought the calcium one but stumbled upon the "churn style "so that is what I went with. It is delicious, creamy and packed with flavor. It even makes toast taste good. It is especially good on veggies and for cooking fish with.

So far I have liked everything out of this box right ? Well there is one thing that did not go over too well with me; Nature's Bounty Energy Gummies retail for $7.99. They are supposed to converse the food you eat into energy with it's unique blend of herbs. I took it in the morning with my coffee followed by breakfast and felt no different so I tried taking them with breakfast. Honestly I feel like it was just a gimmicky thing. I did try posting an honest review on their website and it was not approved ! 

I saved the best product for last..drumroll please......Vichy Mineral 89 Hyaluronic Acid Face Moisturizer retails for $29.50. The texture on this is like velvet and sinks right into my face. It gives me this lovely glow which is great since I do not wear makeup often during the week. And it still works great when I do wear makeup acting as a primer. A little goes a long way, this tiny vial lasted about 3 weeks. I do plan on getting a full size bottle. I have boughten many moisturizers in my day, from Indie vendors, to drug stores to department stores and this right here is a winner. 

I am truly thankful to be part of the Influenster community. Every product you read about I received for free, and all the opinions and thoughts are mine and only mine ! 

My visitor

The other day was the anniversary of my uncle/godfather's passing. And every year since Carlos left us,( keep in mind it has only been three years ) he visits me. No, I am not losing my mind and no it does not scare me.

I do believe in spirits. This year I was driving my girls to group on Tuesday afternoon with the windows down, wind blowing the the car and me singing at the top of my lungs as if I were Mariah Carey when BAM Carlos popped into my head. Mid song there he was, maybe he liked my singing or maybe it was so bad he came by to shut me up 🤣 I racked my brain for the date and it hit me the anniversary was coming up.

The actual day of the anniversary I found my tv remotes on the floor. Now I am like clock work, when I go to bed I put my remotes in the same place on my desk..every single night. Well the morning of those remotes were on the floor!  

I do miss him a lot. We used to go visit him pretty much every Friday night when I lived with my parents. He had such a good heart, I take comfort knowing he comes to visit. Wonder what else he has in store for me ❤️

I haven't moved on

One of the important things I have learned about myself recently is that I have not in fact moved on from my soon to be ex-husband. It has recently come to light that he has in fact moved in with his current girlfriend and she is pregnant. It literally hurts to even type that, physically hurts as in my heart feels like it is shattering.

I have always thought deep down he would get over this hopping from woman to woman and come back. We had gone through a lot together, I gave up so much for him and I feel like we ( myself and my kids have been tossed aside for his new family ). This time I know he is never coming back, there is no going back from this.

He told me when I first moved to where I am that  where I live was too quiet and was too far away from his job that he could not live here but yet he moved even further away to a place almost as quiet. He never went on a vacation with myself or our kids but he has already gone on a vacation with her and her kids. This is not fair. He has missed holidays, visits, first steps, a birth and let's not forget and just abandoned me and his first born claiming he was looking for an apartment...he just never did. I found myself a place. 

Looks like I have not forgiven him yet either. It's hard not too. This girlfriend is getting all I ever wanted in my husband. MY HUSBAND! I just craved a husband that was supportive during my pregnancy, not once was he supportive. I wanted an intact family instead I got a broken family. And now I will never get that, not with anyone because I am unable to have any more children.

I am grateful for the kids I do have. And my girls know I will always be there for them. I am on top of everything from their health to a school IEP. 

Writing this post is harder than I thought it would be, I am writing it with tears streaming down my face. I know I will heal in time but for now it hurts and it hurts a lot. Some people may not understand but it is how I feel.

Happy Mother's Day

I spent a good portion of my day today with wet feet and in a building that smelled like rubber. I was alone for four hours today as I waited for my car to get new tires and an oil change. Of course I parked in a big puddle that I stepped in when I got out of the car. Then as I was putting my 2 year old into her dad's car I stepped in yet another puddle ! 

There I sat all alone for four hours in silence with my book ( which I almost finished ) wet feet and in a cold room that smelled like rubber. I admit I did enjoy the silent part but that was about it. I was tired, hungry, yup cold  and a bit down. I knew my family was having a gathering to celebrate today that I passed on due to my ending a toxic relationship with a family member. I didn't think it bothered me, besides lately getting together with everyone has been really stressful. 

My girls enjoyed Mother's Day with their dad and his girlfriend, they painted ceramics which is nice and fun. And I got my much needed tires. Guess I put too much on Mother's Day. I hope everyone else had a good day, or at least had a warm dry day ! 

Tomorrow is not guaranteed

I have such a heavy heart tonight, I just found out that a good friend of mine lost her sister in law yesterday to cancer. Those two were so close more like sisters than in laws.

It's just not fair dammit !! She was a good person who fought so hard. She left behind two small kids and a loving husband. Not too mention the rest of her family. It's devastating. I did not even know her that well myself and I am still feeling the effects of this loss in my heart. I know she will always be looking down on her kids and family, their guardian angel. And with time the hurt will hurt less for her family. No they will not forget but they will hurt less.

All I can say is that life is so unbelievably short, we need to spend time with one another. Love one another, live in the moment. You never know what the future holds for you or how long you have here.

One last thing; fuck you cancer !

What to name this ?

I have been writing this post in my head many times but have not had the nerve to write it. I am not sure why I guess it makes things real. It is real trust me, it is my life that I live each and every day and it is tough. 

My 4 year old was recently put on the spectrum and has been diagnosed with ADHD. She has trouble reeling in her emotions and acts impulsively. Doesn't sound like a big deal right ? But have you tried going grocery shopping with someone who has a meltdown in the middle of an aisle and people just stare at you because they assume you suck at being a parent or even worse when they actually tell you that your child needs discipline ( yeah that has happened ) ! I get anxiety and dread just the idea of doing anything outside the house but things need to be done. 

I am doing what I can to help her, she sees a counselor to help sort out her emotions. There is also the Cando Clinic where I will be making an appointment, I am not sure what will happen there. I was told we will gain more tools to help handle emotions and avoid meltdowns. In case you were wondering no she is not on meds. She is such a smart girl with a great vocabulary. I am trying to cut the sugar down in her diet and screen time has been cut down dramatically. Whatever else I have to do I will trust me ! We went to the beach the other day, G and I walked to the water together hand in hand for that moment I had my little girl back. There was no screaming, no tears, no meltdowns and no anxiety on my part. I live for those moments.

Then I have my youngest with the "communication disorder". She is slowly coming along with her language. She repeats but she is not grasping what the words mean. She does use about 20-25 words still no sentences but I will take whatever I can. She gets occupational therapy in addition to speech therapy and starting next week she will be going to group twice a week. Just like with her sister I do what I need to do for my girls, I am on top of it. 

All of this is all on my shoulders and it is a lot. It does not seem like it to some but it is. I have no friends. I would love to go out and have a good time but the girls are a lot of work so no breaks for me. 

I ask the next time you see a parent at the store, parking lot, or even the sidewalk and their child is screaming, kicking, hitting, laying on the floor having a fit do not assume it's bad parenting. That little boy or girl most likely cannot control it. Show some compassion and understanding.