The Black Hole

I know I have been AWOL for months, and I am dreading this post because that means I admit that I have been in a " black hole ". 

It is true though. I have not been myself, I lost myself really. I did have things I wanted to write about and had it all written out in my head but would not get onto the computer to type it out. I used to like cooking and trying new recipes and now I just slap together the quickest thing, I do not feel like cooking. It's the dreaded Black Hole.

My body hurts too, my blood pressure medicine makes my muscles cramp up in my arms and legs so I am constantly hurting, some days are worse than others. It is hard to explain to people, and I think because others do understand they just down play it to me being lazy. I am taking magnesium in hopes of helping it.  Headaches are coming back again and I think it is because of stress and the stress feels worse because of the Black Hole. 

But I am working on getting out of the Black Hole, I am seeing a therapist and will be reclaiming myself. Yes, you have heard it before but you can look forward to more posts from myself. Please bear with me during this process.

Xoxo.

Where has the time gone

It's been about three months since I have written, at the end of the day after the last dish has been washed and the kids are in bed I am completely wiped out. Is that really a valid reason though ? I enjoy writing and reviewing, there has got to be a way to carve some time into the day to do this and not wait till the evening when I know I will be too tired. I promise to work something out with myself.

We have had some major milestones over the past few months; the baby turned 1 !! I have no idea where the year went with her. She has had so many bumps in the road but such a happy little girl. She is still behind but we are working on it with the help of Early Intervention. As tired as I am my little squishy completes my little family.

Another milestone was my middle child turned four ! I do not even want to think about her starting school next year. This one certainly has the " middle child syndrome"..it's real, do not laugh or mock it. She is strong willed and has an opinion on anything and everything. She is also the reason I have gray hair, regardless of it all I do love my monkey girl. 

     

I saved the best milestone for last, my oldest graduated from high school in June. I still cannot fathom the idea that she is no longer in school but out in the working world. I can remember when she first started school she absolutely hated it until she reached high school that is where she shined and thrived. Going to a technical school was the best thing she could have ever done. I am really proud of her. She still has so much more to see, learn and do in this crazy thing called life. 

As you can see there has been lots of exciting things on. This post literally took me all day; I started at 6:30am and it is now 3:17pm. I wrote in between dishes, showering, feeding this children and whatever else is thrown at me. I think I can do this more regularly. I have so many things I would like to write about so stay tuned for the next installment !! 

Goodies by Mrs. Vondank

Mrs. Vondank can be found on Instagram  and big cartel, here is the direct link www.mrsvondank.bigcartel.com 

Her products are medicated and made with home made hash. Don't get all kinds of excited you will NOT get high !!

Recently I was sent free of charge a lemon lip balm, an Island Paradise scented bath bomb and coffee butter eye lotion. I wasn't expecting all this, she had offered the eye lotion and I was pleasantly surprised when I opened the package. I am definetly a customer now. 

Let's start with the lip balm shall we: I was sent lemon which tastes exactly like lemon heads to me ! Unlike other lip balms there is no need to reapply a million times, it keeps your lips nicely moisturized. These are a must buy.

Next up is the coffee butter eye lotion. It's used for bags and dark under eye circles.  I started using this about 5 days ago, it immediately made my eyes silky smooth and day by day my bag upon bags are looking better and better.  Did mention my skin feels silky smooth ?!

Last but certainly not least was this powerhouse bathbomb. The scent was fruity goodness, I added a little bit of AvoWash by Lush Cosmetics for bubbles which complimented it nicely. The bomb was a fast fizzer but that was fine by me, the scent stuck around and made my skin feel great, I wish I could think of a better adjective because I truly loved how it made me feel. I cannot wait to get some more bombs, bigger ones !!! I will end this with some pictures of said bath and just know I was not paid for this review it's my honest opinion.

Got to get back on track

I must say I have gained a bunch if weight since over the past couple months, 14 pounds to be exact. After I had the baby I lost all the baby weight but it is all back again.

It is really depressing me. I had been doing great weight wise before I got pregnant; eating pretty clean, portion control and walking at least 3-5 miles. Then I got pregnant and what a tough pregnancy, I was so sick in the beginning then the preeclampsia kicked in. It was a tough last pregnancy I tell you. 

Now that my rainbow baby is here I am just so tired. I know she is 9 months old and all but she is still waking up several times through the night to eat. And I have my 3 yr old as well. She is full of energy, wish she could bottle some of it up and give it to me !

After having the baby I got postpartum depression and anxiety. I am not sure if the medication I am taking is also playing a part in my weight gain. But I am sure it has more to do with the fact that I am no longer walking, using portion control, eating clean etc.

I seriously need to start eating the right way again. Maybe it will stop the headaches as well and make me feel better about myself again. I want more energy and I am sure exercise will help with that but building up the gumption to do it while dragging from lack of sleep is tough. The warmer weather is coming so it will get easier I am sure to get out there and walk on the trail behind my house.  I want to be able to look in the mirror and not be disgusted with what I see. I want to be able to fit into my clothing properly and I want new cute clothing. These are my goals and I thought I would share with you ! 

Yawn

My baby is now 9 months old, I really cannot believe it ! I am trying to savor every moment with her since she is my last. 

I am sure you noticed that I seriously lack on my posts since having the baby. Want to know why ? It's because she is still sleeping like a newborn !! No joke, she is waking up 2-3 times a night to eat. She has slept through the night a couple times maybe 4 times. 

I cannot figure out why. I have started feeding her people food, age appropriate people food that is. She gets cereal in her bottle already due to acid reflux ( the Dr in NICU told me to do that ). Is it out if habit ? Does she have a high metabolism ? If I ignore her she gets louder and wakes up my other child. I feel like a zombie, lol. 

If anyone has any advice or recommendations please feel free to comment !  And I do apologize for the lack of posts I will try harder, who needs sleep anyway.....

Seventh Generation Clean

I got some samples in the mail from Seventh Generation for their free and clear laundry detergent. I really put it to the test today ! I am going to warn you in advance that this maybe a little off putting. 

Lately my 8 month old baby has been having these huge poop blow outs up the back of her diaper and all over her onsies. It's making not only a huge smelly mess but lots of laundry. The baby also has sensitive skin, it's so sensitive that she had a reaction to baby oil. So I have to be careful on what I use on her. 

The detergent is 4x ultra concentrated a little goes a long way and can be used in HE washers. I did not pretreat beforehand I just rinsed off the poop, I really wanted to put this to the test. I washed as normal on the warm cycle and I must say I am thrilled with the results. It completely removed the poop stain ! 

I put the onsie on the baby today and the detergent did not bother her at all. I can freely use this with no worry because it free of harmful chemicals. And Seventh Generation stands for our environment and our future generations :-) 

Raw Feelings

I have been writing this post for awhile in my head but something stopped me; was it the criticism I would receive from people, the pitiful looks or eye rolls?  Was it me being scared to share my feelings and saying them out loud or perhaps the back lash of just one person who it's about seeing it ? I don't know which reason it was but it's time for this to be written and shared. 

You see I have a really hard time expressing my feelings. If speaking I get chocked up and cry even if I am angry. I am also good at covering up my true feelings with jokes and sarcasm.

With all this being said I must say I am having a really hard time coming to terms that I am getting divorced. When I got married I assumed it would be till death do us part, neither one of us is dead ! We have gone through so much in our 8 years together, 7 in which we had been married. I have stuck by him when he quit drinking, by his side several times at the hospital. I tried and I tried hard. 

I would like to think I was a good wife. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry and worked. There were times I even I would go into work with him to help cover a shift or just help at that second job because I knew the first job was physical and tiring labor. 

I put up with a lot as well during those years. Emails and texts to other women. Lying and cheating even while I was pregnant but yet I forgave him time and time again. Yes I know I am a fool and he took advantage but I am not looking to be judged right now. He moved out a few times on me leaving me to cover the rent and bills alone, I did it and I allowed him back. I forgave him. He was my husband and I loved him.

Now here we are with a court date in a few months and I am just torn up. I never in a million years thought we would really get divorced, I always thought he would come back. He would grow up and be the family man he claims to others that he is or wants. 

Part of me still does love him, again I am not looking for judgement. He is not a bad guy, he just didn't know how to be a good husband. So where do I go from here ? How do I move on past the pain and hurt ? When I say I hurt it's literally phyisical; it feels like there is a weight on my chest at times, it's hard to breath, my stomach hurts, I want to sleep all the time but my mind doesn't stop and allow me to actually rest. I don't want to just focus on all the bad things because then I will become resentful and I don't want to be that scorned woman. 

Guess I will take it one day at a time, one minute at a time, one breath at a time.