Goodbye to my special feline

 I haven't blogged in about a year and a half but had to reawaken my blog for this. I have so many emotions going through my body right now:

I had taken in a 13 year old Sphinx in January, her name was Carley. To me she was perfect. If you are not familiar with a Sphinx it is a hairless cat ! She came with a list of problems that I did not know about; we had pancreatitis, motility disorder, bad teeth, arthritis, yucky ears, kidney stones, and last but not least a tumor on her intestines. 

I cleaned up those ears, gave her meds, special food, got her shirts she liked and covered my house in blankets so she would be cozy. I wanted to make sure this little six pound kitty was comfortable and most importantly happy. I was smitten with this kitten. 

She started declining health wise, vomiting every day, meowing constantly and having accidents. I had to make the call to the vet and have her seen. It was the darn tumor, it grew a bit. 

Dr. John said we could try steroids but it may do nothing and it may cause other issues, I did all I could and then some for her. He could see in her eyes she was tired and her gums were white. A huge part of me wanted to do the steroids but I loved her so much to make that selfish choice. I sent her over the Rainbow Bridge.

I miss her so much. I swear I still hear her little meows or hear her in the little box. It actually took me 3 days to throw her box away, I just was not ready. I miss the way she would head butt me or paw at my shirt because she wanted to climb in. I miss her sitting on the counter next to me as I did dishes, the way she would ask for butter when ever she saw it out. I did laundry today, this used to be her favorite day because when it came out of the dryer she would lay in the warm clothes. 

Carley will always live in my heart with all these good memories. She certainly was special. And one day maybe I will be able to open up my heart again to another kitty. I love you Car-Car.

The other shoe is always dropping on me

I wrote awhile back about venturing back into the dating scene as a single parent. As I was about to give up completely I had met someone..woo hoo ! 

Fantastic guy; made me laugh, was good to my kids, brought me flowers, communicated, and responsible. And the icing on the cake he is a hands on there for his kids dad.  Everything a woman could ask for. Sounds perfect right ?

I thought things were going well. Monthly date nights, saw one another almost every night when he was not with his kids, we got into a routine, things just fell into place. Holidays rolled around and it was one of the best Christmases in awhile.

I cannot tell you when things went South because I do not know. I do know that I was a bit difficult to love. My guard was up high, a solid wall built up around my heart and feelings because I had been let done time and time again. I had been used and abused in the past. Been through some unthinkable things, I bared my soul to him, he knew it all. But he still chose to love me till one day last week he just didn't anymore. He no longer wanted to date me. I had to break it to my kids. My 7 year old thought it was her fault, I reassured her it was absolutely not her fault and my youngest was sad, they had a good bond. It was not just me he broke up with he also broke up with my kids.

I cannot make any sense of it. I have not gotten any closer. I blame myself, was I that hard to love ? Did I hold back too much ? Were my kids too much ? These are the things that are running through my head.

Packing up his things was one of the hardest things I had to do. My closet looks empty as well as the bathroom. I have empty dresser drawers, it's just sad. 

I spoke to him and I realized how much I missed him. He wants to be friends and I will be friends with him after all he is a good person and we all need good people in our lives. He wants me to be happy..I realized how happy I was with him. Wish I knew where it went wrong.

For now I will just live day by day, maybe write more and clear my thoughts. My best friend turned me onto coloring mandalas which occupies my mind and relaxes me. I doubt I will go back into the dating pool, it's just too much and that wall I wrote about, it's up again  and staying up. 

Dating after divorce and as a single parent

Dating after divorce has not been a pleasant experience; I used Bumble, joined a single parents group on Facebook and cringing as I type this joined Tinder. 

I came across a lot of, let's say colorful men. Many with wives or girlfriends...seriously what are they doing on there ?! I should clarify these attached guys were on the apps not in the Facebook group, the group screened it's members well and was a great support system. 

I went out on dates with men who had zero respect for my time which was limited due to me being a single mother. Men who only wanted sex...insert eye roll. Came across excons, alcoholics, drug addicts just flat out red flags. 

Dating as a single parent and after divorce flat out sucks ! Just as I was about to give up I did meet someone. A normal respectful, sweet and caring man. So it's not impossible to find someone after divorce like I thought. I am very happy with the relationship I am now in, don’t give up !

My soul is tired

I found a meme on Facebook that had read “ no matter how much you sleep you will always feel tired if your soul is what’s tired “. That hit a nerve with me; my soul is extremely tired. 

About 8 months ago my spirit and heart was broken and hasn’t fully been repaired. That damaged my soul as well. I have not been myself completely since. I am constantly tired, I don’t “ feel “ my smile, There is still a small ache in my heart daily. 

It’s time to repair my soul. I need to sit back and reflect the good there is in my life, smudge out the negative, do for myself. I honestly cannot keep going on with a tired soul. 

Part of my problem is I feel too much, if you are hurting well I hurt too. If you cry, I cry. I take in too many feelings. I have to learn to control that part of me and not let it overwhelm me. I love too hard, I need to control that as well. I fall too fast, that shit needs to be contained ! 

I have to stop giving so much of myself to people who take me for granted. I spread myself thin as it is with my kids. Life goes by quickly and one never knows when it’s our last day here so it needs to be enjoyed not miserable and so ....tired.

An Open Letter

I have decided that this will be a two part series that way I don’t ramble on about one subject and it stumbles into the next then back to the other.

This particular one is an open letter to my Ex-Husband:

Dear Ex,

You suck at being a father, I am trying way too hard for you to be present in your kids’ life and I am done. You signed over your rights because you did not want an investigation done and I signed along with it even though it was another “ fuck you” to me and my girls. But at least I knew at the end of the day my girls would be safe. 

You pay below state guidelines for child support because you lied about your income. You chose to take on children that are not yours to support and that is just crap. One day actually no, that day has come already; my 6 year old questions why you were there to celebrate those other kids birthdays and not hers. She is not stupid. She already knows and sees that I am their mother and father. 

You expect me still to do as you say and get pissy when I do not. I have been more than compliant and way too nice when it came to our divorce. And in hindsight I should have went for the jugular.

Just know I am done trying so damn hard for you to be my Children’s lives. And when you do show up you bring your baby. That hurt my 6 year old, she didn’t show it with you but when she came she asked me to email you and let you know that you “screwed up “. I am done protecting you. 

Sincerely your ex-wife.....

New School Year

The school year is just starting up in this neck of the words and I must say I am not getting a fantastic first impression with my daughter's kindergarten.

 I should have an open mind; but I had to fight a bit for her IEP before school even began. My 6 yr old had been diagnosed with Autism, separation anxiety as well as ADHD during pre-school. I was a little surprised with the ASD but in the end it all made sense. These are all new waters for me and at times I feel like I am barely treading. I am learning that schools, administrations, etc will fight the parent tooth and nail on a child's IEP needs...it is insane ! I am getting off track here ( big surprise, lol ) ! 

Anyway, school starts, Thursday and I had not heard a peep from my daughter's school...is she morning session or afternoon ? I tried calling but guess what, they are getting a new phone system installed so you cannot get a person on the line. I tried going online to see if I can get that info online, nope nada. I finally went into the school today to ask.

 I personally feel like I should not have to do that. A letter should have been sent out. I am part of a Facebook group that another parent had put together to get info on school, groups, and all that jazz in my area. Thank goodness for that group otherwise I wouldn't have known have orientation day, new drop off and pick ups. Some parents are getting emails while others ( such as myself ) are not. This is why letters need to go out. Maybe I am turning into a grumpy old lady. Or maybe I am just getting nervous for my babies to be starting school and this is my way of getting it out.

Either way I hope the school year goes smoothly and the kinks get worked out. Communication is always key in life !!

Mercury in Retrograde dreams ...

I have been having some crazy dreams recently, I know last night’s has to do with Mercury being in Retrograde once again. It really stuck with me and I wanted to share it and see what you guys thought of it. I know going forward I will be keeping a notebook by my bed to write down my dreams and I would like to get a Dream deciphering book.

Last night’s dream consists of two houses, one had a raging hurricane going on and I needed to save animals from it; including fish that were in an overflowing tank, a cat in a locked room and a dog. I got them except a few fish which were already dead. I got them across the street to the safe house where there was absolutely no storm at all.

After that I left the safe house and headed towards the ocean and I was on the phone with Gino ( a good friend of mine ) I was crying and just saying “ what is going on “ over and over. The waves were crashing around me but I was not getting wet, people were running away but I was standing there watching the waves, crying on the phone. The last thing I remember was hearing him say was “ I will call you when I get back from Connecticut with my wife “.

That is all I remember. What really stands out to me is the ocean waves and saving the fish from the overflowing tank. Anyone have any clues as to what this means ?