My visitor

The other day was the anniversary of my uncle/godfather's passing. And every year since Carlos left us,( keep in mind it has only been three years ) he visits me. No, I am not losing my mind and no it does not scare me.

I do believe in spirits. This year I was driving my girls to group on Tuesday afternoon with the windows down, wind blowing the the car and me singing at the top of my lungs as if I were Mariah Carey when BAM Carlos popped into my head. Mid song there he was, maybe he liked my singing or maybe it was so bad he came by to shut me up 🤣 I racked my brain for the date and it hit me the anniversary was coming up.

The actual day of the anniversary I found my tv remotes on the floor. Now I am like clock work, when I go to bed I put my remotes in the same place on my desk..every single night. Well the morning of those remotes were on the floor!  

I do miss him a lot. We used to go visit him pretty much every Friday night when I lived with my parents. He had such a good heart, I take comfort knowing he comes to visit. Wonder what else he has in store for me ❤️

I haven't moved on

One of the important things I have learned about myself recently is that I have not in fact moved on from my soon to be ex-husband. It has recently come to light that he has in fact moved in with his current girlfriend and she is pregnant. It literally hurts to even type that, physically hurts as in my heart feels like it is shattering.

I have always thought deep down he would get over this hopping from woman to woman and come back. We had gone through a lot together, I gave up so much for him and I feel like we ( myself and my kids have been tossed aside for his new family ). This time I know he is never coming back, there is no going back from this.

He told me when I first moved to where I am that  where I live was too quiet and was too far away from his job that he could not live here but yet he moved even further away to a place almost as quiet. He never went on a vacation with myself or our kids but he has already gone on a vacation with her and her kids. This is not fair. He has missed holidays, visits, first steps, a birth and let's not forget and just abandoned me and his first born claiming he was looking for an apartment...he just never did. I found myself a place. 

Looks like I have not forgiven him yet either. It's hard not too. This girlfriend is getting all I ever wanted in my husband. MY HUSBAND! I just craved a husband that was supportive during my pregnancy, not once was he supportive. I wanted an intact family instead I got a broken family. And now I will never get that, not with anyone because I am unable to have any more children.

I am grateful for the kids I do have. And my girls know I will always be there for them. I am on top of everything from their health to a school IEP. 

Writing this post is harder than I thought it would be, I am writing it with tears streaming down my face. I know I will heal in time but for now it hurts and it hurts a lot. Some people may not understand but it is how I feel.

Happy Mother's Day

I spent a good portion of my day today with wet feet and in a building that smelled like rubber. I was alone for four hours today as I waited for my car to get new tires and an oil change. Of course I parked in a big puddle that I stepped in when I got out of the car. Then as I was putting my 2 year old into her dad's car I stepped in yet another puddle ! 

There I sat all alone for four hours in silence with my book ( which I almost finished ) wet feet and in a cold room that smelled like rubber. I admit I did enjoy the silent part but that was about it. I was tired, hungry, yup cold  and a bit down. I knew my family was having a gathering to celebrate today that I passed on due to my ending a toxic relationship with a family member. I didn't think it bothered me, besides lately getting together with everyone has been really stressful. 

My girls enjoyed Mother's Day with their dad and his girlfriend, they painted ceramics which is nice and fun. And I got my much needed tires. Guess I put too much on Mother's Day. I hope everyone else had a good day, or at least had a warm dry day ! 

Tomorrow is not guaranteed

I have such a heavy heart tonight, I just found out that a good friend of mine lost her sister in law yesterday to cancer. Those two were so close more like sisters than in laws.

It's just not fair dammit !! She was a good person who fought so hard. She left behind two small kids and a loving husband. Not too mention the rest of her family. It's devastating. I did not even know her that well myself and I am still feeling the effects of this loss in my heart. I know she will always be looking down on her kids and family, their guardian angel. And with time the hurt will hurt less for her family. No they will not forget but they will hurt less.

All I can say is that life is so unbelievably short, we need to spend time with one another. Love one another, live in the moment. You never know what the future holds for you or how long you have here.

One last thing; fuck you cancer !

What to name this ?

I have been writing this post in my head many times but have not had the nerve to write it. I am not sure why I guess it makes things real. It is real trust me, it is my life that I live each and every day and it is tough. 

My 4 year old was recently put on the spectrum and has been diagnosed with ADHD. She has trouble reeling in her emotions and acts impulsively. Doesn't sound like a big deal right ? But have you tried going grocery shopping with someone who has a meltdown in the middle of an aisle and people just stare at you because they assume you suck at being a parent or even worse when they actually tell you that your child needs discipline ( yeah that has happened ) ! I get anxiety and dread just the idea of doing anything outside the house but things need to be done. 

I am doing what I can to help her, she sees a counselor to help sort out her emotions. There is also the Cando Clinic where I will be making an appointment, I am not sure what will happen there. I was told we will gain more tools to help handle emotions and avoid meltdowns. In case you were wondering no she is not on meds. She is such a smart girl with a great vocabulary. I am trying to cut the sugar down in her diet and screen time has been cut down dramatically. Whatever else I have to do I will trust me ! We went to the beach the other day, G and I walked to the water together hand in hand for that moment I had my little girl back. There was no screaming, no tears, no meltdowns and no anxiety on my part. I live for those moments.

Then I have my youngest with the "communication disorder". She is slowly coming along with her language. She repeats but she is not grasping what the words mean. She does use about 20-25 words still no sentences but I will take whatever I can. She gets occupational therapy in addition to speech therapy and starting next week she will be going to group twice a week. Just like with her sister I do what I need to do for my girls, I am on top of it. 

All of this is all on my shoulders and it is a lot. It does not seem like it to some but it is. I have no friends. I would love to go out and have a good time but the girls are a lot of work so no breaks for me. 

I ask the next time you see a parent at the store, parking lot, or even the sidewalk and their child is screaming, kicking, hitting, laying on the floor having a fit do not assume it's bad parenting. That little boy or girl most likely cannot control it. Show some compassion and understanding.

The Black Hole

I know I have been AWOL for months, and I am dreading this post because that means I admit that I have been in a " black hole ". 

It is true though. I have not been myself, I lost myself really. I did have things I wanted to write about and had it all written out in my head but would not get onto the computer to type it out. I used to like cooking and trying new recipes and now I just slap together the quickest thing, I do not feel like cooking. It's the dreaded Black Hole.

My body hurts too, my blood pressure medicine makes my muscles cramp up in my arms and legs so I am constantly hurting, some days are worse than others. It is hard to explain to people, and I think because others do understand they just down play it to me being lazy. I am taking magnesium in hopes of helping it.  Headaches are coming back again and I think it is because of stress and the stress feels worse because of the Black Hole. 

But I am working on getting out of the Black Hole, I am seeing a therapist and will be reclaiming myself. Yes, you have heard it before but you can look forward to more posts from myself. Please bear with me during this process.

Xoxo.

Where has the time gone

It's been about three months since I have written, at the end of the day after the last dish has been washed and the kids are in bed I am completely wiped out. Is that really a valid reason though ? I enjoy writing and reviewing, there has got to be a way to carve some time into the day to do this and not wait till the evening when I know I will be too tired. I promise to work something out with myself.

We have had some major milestones over the past few months; the baby turned 1 !! I have no idea where the year went with her. She has had so many bumps in the road but such a happy little girl. She is still behind but we are working on it with the help of Early Intervention. As tired as I am my little squishy completes my little family.

Another milestone was my middle child turned four ! I do not even want to think about her starting school next year. This one certainly has the " middle child syndrome"..it's real, do not laugh or mock it. She is strong willed and has an opinion on anything and everything. She is also the reason I have gray hair, regardless of it all I do love my monkey girl. 

     

I saved the best milestone for last, my oldest graduated from high school in June. I still cannot fathom the idea that she is no longer in school but out in the working world. I can remember when she first started school she absolutely hated it until she reached high school that is where she shined and thrived. Going to a technical school was the best thing she could have ever done. I am really proud of her. She still has so much more to see, learn and do in this crazy thing called life. 

As you can see there has been lots of exciting things on. This post literally took me all day; I started at 6:30am and it is now 3:17pm. I wrote in between dishes, showering, feeding this children and whatever else is thrown at me. I think I can do this more regularly. I have so many things I would like to write about so stay tuned for the next installment !!