I haven't moved on

One of the important things I have learned about myself recently is that I have not in fact moved on from my soon to be ex-husband. It has recently come to light that he has in fact moved in with his current girlfriend and she is pregnant. It literally hurts to even type that, physically hurts as in my heart feels like it is shattering.

I have always thought deep down he would get over this hopping from woman to woman and come back. We had gone through a lot together, I gave up so much for him and I feel like we ( myself and my kids have been tossed aside for his new family ). This time I know he is never coming back, there is no going back from this.

He told me when I first moved to where I am that  where I live was too quiet and was too far away from his job that he could not live here but yet he moved even further away to a place almost as quiet. He never went on a vacation with myself or our kids but he has already gone on a vacation with her and her kids. This is not fair. He has missed holidays, visits, first steps, a birth and let's not forget and just abandoned me and his first born claiming he was looking for an apartment...he just never did. I found myself a place. 

Looks like I have not forgiven him yet either. It's hard not too. This girlfriend is getting all I ever wanted in my husband. MY HUSBAND! I just craved a husband that was supportive during my pregnancy, not once was he supportive. I wanted an intact family instead I got a broken family. And now I will never get that, not with anyone because I am unable to have any more children.

I am grateful for the kids I do have. And my girls know I will always be there for them. I am on top of everything from their health to a school IEP. 

Writing this post is harder than I thought it would be, I am writing it with tears streaming down my face. I know I will heal in time but for now it hurts and it hurts a lot. Some people may not understand but it is how I feel.

Happy Mother's Day

I spent a good portion of my day today with wet feet and in a building that smelled like rubber. I was alone for four hours today as I waited for my car to get new tires and an oil change. Of course I parked in a big puddle that I stepped in when I got out of the car. Then as I was putting my 2 year old into her dad's car I stepped in yet another puddle ! 

There I sat all alone for four hours in silence with my book ( which I almost finished ) wet feet and in a cold room that smelled like rubber. I admit I did enjoy the silent part but that was about it. I was tired, hungry, yup cold  and a bit down. I knew my family was having a gathering to celebrate today that I passed on due to my ending a toxic relationship with a family member. I didn't think it bothered me, besides lately getting together with everyone has been really stressful. 

My girls enjoyed Mother's Day with their dad and his girlfriend, they painted ceramics which is nice and fun. And I got my much needed tires. Guess I put too much on Mother's Day. I hope everyone else had a good day, or at least had a warm dry day !